Como nacio el paladin ^^

This is the real story behind the paladin class...

by Rapture

Creation of the Paladin

The son (S) of the programmer for the paladin class (P) is having breakfast with his father.

S: Dad, I just got into MC with my paladin. I’m retribution build so I help out with the DPS. My other friend paladin does some healing and cleansing. My other paladin friend helps warriors with the tanking. They love us in MC. We’re hybrids. With different talent builds, we can do different things.

P: Is your DPS reliable?

S: Yeah! It’s not as much as a rogue, but the strikes do add up, and it’s fun!

P: Damn… this is going to put rogues out of a job.

S: But rogues are still the best melee DPS’ers!

P: Doesn’t matter. Rogues are the most played class, we don’t want to annoy them, or they may quit the game and lose us money. And then I’ll be out of a job. We need to lower paladin DPS.

S: But Daaaaad.

P: (slaps son in the face) Shut up! We’re taking out strikes! We’re going to replace it with a luck-based DPS system!

S: Can I keep wearing plate so I can tank?

P: You can tank? Don’t warriors tank?

S: Sure, but I can tank as well, we’re tanks overall.

P: That’s not right. Warriors are the tanks. Let’s give them more stuff like defensive stance, a taunt, better shield talents and tanking talents, and more options to hold better aggro.

S: But Daaaad, I like tanking. Consecration and holy shield let me hold multiple mob aggro with seal of fury!

P: (slaps son in the face) Right, I’m making those both talents high-up in different trees. Paladins tanking… now I’ve heard everything.

S: Can I at least use my crossbow to pull the mobs?

P: You can equip ranged weapons?

S: Yes, but since I have no skills for them, it’s mostly for the stats.

P: (Slaps son in the face) Now you won’t even be able to equip a ranged weapon! Forget being able to pull!

S: Do I at least get a ranged spell to pull, like other classes who can’t use ranged weapons get?

P: (Slaps son in the face) No! You don’t get anything!

S: So what can I do in MC? Just cleanse and heal?

P: What about buffing?

S: Well, I have 30-minute buffs, so I just re-buff every 30 minutes.

P: (slaps son in the face) No, now your buffs last 5 minutes so you have to rebuff the whole raid every 3 minutes.

S: But that gives me 2 minutes every 5 minutes to do anything!

P: It’s all right, cleanse is instant cast. That’s all you’ll be doing.

S: But that’s boooooring!

P: (slaps son in the face) Every class has a boring job in MC! You think it’s fun tanking or dealing damage?

S: It’s more fun than cleansing and buffing all the time!

P: (slaps son in the face) Shut up!

S: (mutters) At least my auras stack with other buffs…

P: What? So your fire resist aura stacks?

S: Yes…

P: Not any more!

S: Why?

P: (slaps son in the face) Shut up!

S: Do we at least get wipe-prevention? Warlocks have soulstones and I hear those horde shamans can self-resurrect to prevent wipes.

P: No wipe-prevention for you!

S: But Daaad! That’s faction imbalance!

P: Really? Oh well then… let’s see. What’s the worst possible form of wipe prevention? It has to be unreliable… In fact, let’s make it necessary to use it before the wipe… Make it so it needs another healer/rezzer in the group… and make it so if you do use it, it guarantees a wipe. Oh and it should kill you when you use it.

S: Why?

P: (Slaps son in the face) Shut up! Here’s Divine Intervention! Go buy a reagent that kills you when you use it.

S: (Crying) What about PVP?

P: What about it?

S: Can I still do damage with Seal of Command in PVP?

P: You can do damage? Oh yes, the seals I replaced your strikes with, they actually do improve your damage, damn…. And to think I put your only damage seal as an 11-point talent just so you would waste talent points to get it. Let me see. Ah yes, let’s make them purgeable/dispellable. All of them. Along with your blessings.

S: But… that means I’m left with auto-attack!

P: (Slaps son in the face) Shut up! You should only be healing in PVP anyway!

S: Lucky I can do that…

P: You can?

S: Yeah, my flash heal heals for 900 or so in 1.5 seconds, with an appropriate mana cost.

P: No it doesn’t. Now it only heals for 350.

S: But that’s pathetic! I can’t use that, damage in PVP is too fast!

P: (Slaps son in the face) Shut up! What about your big heal?

S: It’s all right, I guess, I’ll have to use it now that you’ve destroyed my flash heal.

P: Let’s make it 2.5 seconds cast.

S: But that’s too long! I’ll get kicked/counterspelled/earth-shocked/pummeled!

P: (Slaps son in the face) Shut up! At least you have your bubble. You can heal behind that.

S: But that’s on a 3-minute cooldown, like nature’s swiftness.

P: Let’s make it 5 minutes. That damn bubble is overpowered.

S: Well, I guess I’ll have to use Lay on Hands more often since it’s my only instant-heal and I can’t get a talent for Nature’s Swiftness…

P: I’m making the cooldown on that 1 hour.

S: Why? It’s my only instant-heal!

P: (Slaps son in the face) Shut up!

S: At least I have blessing of protection.

P: Yeah that reminds me… that should be purgeable/dispellable as well.

S: Can I still carry the flag with blessing of freedom to avoid getting snared, since I have no way to improve my running speed?

P: I hate that blessing of freedom. It’s the only thing that makes frost shock not work as the perfect snare. Let’s make it purgeable/dispellable. And slap a cooldown on it. And put a little shiny graphic on your feet so the horde know to dispel it on sight.

S: But Daaaad!

P: (Slaps son in the face) Shut up! Now what do you have left?

S: At least my anti-undead abilities work against the horde undead…

P: (Slaps son in the face) Not anymore! And we’re not going to nerf Will of the Forsaken because undead rogues should be allowed to kill warlocks and priests with ease!

S: Do I get an escape spell, or a snare so I can at least run away from a fight?

P: (Slaps son in the face) No! Get used to dying! Paladins don’t run away. Bubble and hearth back to Ironforge and waste 20 minutes flying back to where you were if you need to escape… Pshh… Next thing I know you’ll be asking for earthbind totems and ghost wolf.

S: Do I at least get crowd control of some kind?

P: One stun every minute is fine. If you need another, spend 31 talent points to get Repentance!

S: (mutters) At least warriors will like me… I can heal them…

P: What’s that? You will be liked by your own faction? Right, I’m putting “Class: Paladin” on Quel’Serrar, just to start arguments so paladins will be hated by alliance warriors.

S: But Daaaad!

P: (Slaps son in the face) Shut up! You’re worthless, and I want to make you feel that way! You’re getting low DPS, no snare, one long heal and one weak heal, no nature’s swiftness, bad talent trees, a bugged, purgeable and luck-based melee combat system, no ranged slot items, no ranged spells, non-stacking auras, no abilities against the undead, bad itemisation, a boring end-game role, and poor status with the rest of the alliance because you’ve been a bad boy! Now go to the shop and get me my cigarettes and liquor before I beat you senseless with my belt!

S: Can I at least keep my plate armor?

P: Yes… otherwise no one would play your awful, gimped class any more. Now get my stuff from the store while I think of nice buffs for druids and hunters… I’m also trying to get shamans bloodlust.

S: Do I get any changes?

P: No! No overhaul of the class! We’re going to delay your changes anyway! Maybe we’ll change the talent trees so you can’t get your core tools like seal of command, consecration, holy shield and reckoning in one build! And make your 31-point talents a weak, 30-second cooldown ranged spell, a misplaced buff and a 6-second sleep… No wait, we did that already. Anyway, we’ll find new ways of gimping you… now go away, you worthless piece-of-crap loladin! And don’t complain, your class is fine!