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Loveling's reflection of his life: Epiphany on a sleepless night
"During one of the matches, I came into a sudden realization after seeing 9 other players’ IDs on the screen. Damn, in a blink of an eye, I became one of the oldest players amongst these people.

Looking back, I felt a kind of emptiness deep inside of me. Not to mention these three years of professional gaming, how was I like before then? I don’t know anymore.
Let me reminiscence a bit…

I never write diaries. When I was younger I didn’t even update my QQ space often, and I delete my diaries after writing for a short while. Don’t even talk about photos, I only got a cellphone when I was 15 year old, and it came from my mother. After I lost my phone, I don’t even know if I uploaded anything else—in any case I can’t find them anymore. If I don’t try to remember them properly, I would forget everything including how I existed before…

In my high-school sophomore year, my parents divorced. Therefore, I became a boy with a lonely personality who isn’t good at making friends. It also let me made that every result has a cause; everything is caused by my own hands. This also served to remind me of my self-improvements on a day to day basis.

But laziness is a human trait. My grades were never great. After graduating from junior high, I spent a year boarding at an Arts College because I heard it might lead to a good future.

But afterwards, my friend’s mother introduced me and my friend to a factory in Shanghai. Similar to Foxconn, an assembly line. After working for a day, we went home. After then, I decided that this isn’t the life I wanted to live. Despite that I am not a person who can study for a profession, this kind of work still doesn’t give me any hope in life.
Therefore, I went back to study in high school again. At that time I lived by myself, cooked for myself, but my family gave me money to buy a laptop. But very quickly, my laziness got the better of me again. I started asking for day-offs once or twice, and eventually decided to quit. I only remember the night before reporting in for the new semester after New Year. I laid on the bed, thought about it, and quit school, looking to find a new way of life.

And what advantages did I have? What did I do a lot? Of course, playing video games. Thereafter, I quickly met some friends through playing games. After they said that they can provide me with jobs, I quickly decided to go to Fujian province. I bought the airplane ticket with the money my family gave me and boarded the plane for the first time in my life with only 10 dollars on me.

But the results were obvious. A month later, I went to my mother’s place at Zhuhai city. Just reaching 18 years old, I found my first job. A lot of things happened during this period of time. I felt the cold and the warmth, and I experienced the safety and the dangers of the world.

Afterwards, I heard about League of Legends and the existence of professional players. Maybe it was because of fate or just pure luck, after playing the game for only two months, I became a professional player. I achieved rank 4 by the end of Season Two, top 10 with two accounts at the end of Season Three, and rank 3 at the end of Season Four. During my three years, 6 Splits, and two Worlds with OMG, I played from Support to ADC (Deft was my duo queue partner at that time, playing Support for me), Top Laner, Support, Jungler, Support, and Jungler. I have always tried to improve my performance in my role.

Of course, I was still a virgin. Therefore, at the start of my professional career—2012—I met my first girlfriend, Lin, who was three years older than me. But don’t misunderstand, we were just dating on the internet. Basically, I would buy whatever she wanted. Fortunately, the prize money that year was abundant. Maybe she didn’t think that I would develop this quickly. The first match, the first championship, the first time leaving the country, and the first complete defeat…

Maybe many people can never imagine this…that after a year and a half later, we decided to meet up for the first time. It was the New Year’s Eve in 2014. We were in the city of Harbin. Restless and perturbed, I finally got to meet her. The story also ended quickly, we decided to break up after one month together. I think it was my fault. I felt that I still wanted to chase after more things in life and disappointed her. But she told me after that I never disappointed her. Maybe everyone has their own paths in life.

Some people should remember that I said that I don’t have any lingering burdens anymore. I started everything anew. But after returning to base, I was told by the club that I will be playing Support, and I started back from the beginning again. We finally made it into the finals of S4 All-Stars. At that time, I didn’t think that we would lose so quickly to SKT, therefore I forgot to shake hands after the match. When I realized what was happening, they have already left. I deeply apologize…

The deck was reshuffled in the Summer Split as I returned to the Jungler position. I have to say that this position change affected me the most. Remember, we reverse sweeped SHRC in the playoffs and receiving MVP 3 matches in a row. Then we reverse sweeped LGD with our momentum, taking the final ticket to S4 Worlds. Unfortunately, we were sent to the “group of death”. But we came back after Fnatic took our Nexus to 50 health and sweeped a Korean team, which earned a lot of cheers for us. But what was waiting for us came eventually. We made old mistakes and lost to SHRC once again. In our 2:3 loss, there were even scenarios where it was impossible for us to lose. Everybody left deep regrets behind…

S5, for most teams, was an opportunity. With many foreign imports coming, it definitely put a ton of pressure on all the teams and also gave countless fans endless surprises. For us, it was a surprise. On the last day of the transfer week, we fulfilled our wishes and brought in Uzi. This could be what everybody wanted to see, or perhaps something that nobody wanted to see.

Indeed, I don’t even have to time to reminisce about everything. Everything is already over. There were so many ups-and-downs this year. At the end of everything, I could only say that we didn’t work well together. Honestly, I have always felt regardless of what happens, I can’t blame other people—everything is caused by my own hands. Even if something unexpected happened to you, it was still because that you took an extra step or said a sentence too many. Since everybody is at fault, then it is normal because everybody makes mistakes. Different people, different way of thinking, different environment, and different worlds; most of the things that we experience are different. 1+1 does not always equal to 2, and it may not be lesser or greater than 2. In the endless river of fate, everyone has his own slice of fate.

But at the end of the day, I still feel sorry. What affected me the most was (the realization that) the human heart will always change the fastest. In those days, I don’t know how many people I have disappointed. And how many people would hope to start over? But this is the reality in life. In this game, you only live once. Life is like a play filled with poison. You might not even know that you were poisoned even if you happened to die from poisoning.

And I feel like I am poisoned—the transition from Drug to Poison. Aside from myself, I also know many people that I have poisoned.

To laugh and cry without holding back—why let the world dictate your emotions? I am myself.

At this moment, I just want to be me. If I turned into dust and fell into a gutter, at least I know myself.

I hope everyone can return to being themselves. If someone like me can walk through life, you guys can definitely do it. Add oil (good luck)!